Being cared for
Being cared for
Is unlike
any other
feeling.
Somehow, it allows for more to come through
more to process
Unacknowledged pain, suddenly feels safe to engage with
So thank you, all those in my life, you know who you are
Your care is holding me, safely
To be able to touch
places within my own heart
I’ve never gone before.
My heart is a garden
My heart is a garden
Right now, we’re
taking apart the ground
ripping it up
re-arranging the dirt
preparing to sow seeds
Which will grow
in the spring
Blossom
in the summer
& Touch others by fall.
No one talks about the pain
no one really gets it
those piercing nights
where your heart feels a jab
That’s all there.
The grief
The joy
The *inexplicable* pain
of being human
No one talks about the pain
the pain of not having
that which you so desperately require
Family, Home. Love, Roots
Being with you & myself
Being with you & myself
The most beautiful part
Of falling for you
Is I don’t feel like I am giving up
Or losing something
There’s no loss
Just admiration, affection, flattery
Some infatuation
But the purest part. Is I get to be myself
When I’m with you
In part, kept whole.
A love letter to the Darkness
Do you know
how grateful I am
to actually be able
to go into darkness?
To create space in my life for it? Consciously or unconsciously, because I understand ~ I know what you’re about, darkness
I feel power in you.
First, you need my awareness
like a baby, that needs tending
Before I can comit to other babies, you are the infant right in front of me. Who shows up again & again
I often forget about you, but there’s work to be done with you.
The work of unraveling your hidden messages, darkness
And I am so grateful for my awareness of you
and ability to do
to follow through
to dive in, you’re not a sin, darkness
Welcome darkness, encapsulate me
Guide me, lead me, show me the way
let me create ripples with you
Though you may scare others, I will stay committed to your process.
work with me
work through me
like a wave
An instrumental sound
coming & going but never leaving subjects the same
always transforming
So I welcome you, darkness, you’ve knocked at my door
I might resist you
but I’ve been here before
TheHoleInsideMyChest
Heart slowly melting, shattering, exploding
A portal to the unknown.
but what does all this pain and grieving lead to? An empty space.
Inside my chest. It opens
Inside it, a hollowness
Vast unknown space, Nothingness.
Opening, wider and wider
Reaching out, reaching in. I very carefully ease my way toward, taking gentle steps, because I don’t know what’s there.
I fear it.
[Memory Aches]
Come rushing in
Once I get there, I’m in denial
Then, I am no longer
“It’s for something” I think
It can’t be…it’s too much, too much to carry.
Pain.
Shocking pain
Pain I didn’t know I could handle, but I am, I’m holding it, and it’s big.
And this void that’s calling, calling my name
It’s calling deeper
and asking me
to return home.
To the motherland, to myself
And to the Soul of the World.
25
I dream of going back to New York, the place of my youth. For just a short while. The place where I landed on my own two feet, for the first time, got to explore the world, others’ worlds. The place where I made friends out of colleagues, adventured different cultures in just a few steps. I want to walk in central park at fall, explore union square for the winter market, feel the city life
I miss that feeling, of being connected to something, my family
Of having a place to go home to for the Holidays. A break from work, excitement in the air
I miss always having somewhere to be, somewhere to go, a brain full of hope and eagerness for the future, full of possibilities, confidence. Where did it all go? The youthfulness, the optimism, the trust in life’s process
Sometimes, I wonder if it’s my depression that’s gotten louder, or if I’m simply growing up. and facing things I didn’t have to think about as a kid. Your early twenties are for messing up, exploring and making mistakes. The world still doesn’t take you as seriously and you don’t take yourself so seriously. You get to try things you’ve never tried, time isn’t of the essence. In fact, time isn’t a concern at all. And then, one day, it all hits you, you’re 23 at an eco village, observing the younger ones around you. And you envy them. You see the ways in which they’re still exploring, and the support that’s had by adults around them. I miss the time when the world was at my fingertips. People look at you and they see opportunity, courage, growth. Youthfulness. Where did all the time go? Climate change is worse than ever, poverty, violence and addiction only seem to become more and more evident. You can’t run away from it anymore. You once felt changing yourself and your ways was enough, but it’s not. Now that you’re in therapy it’s hard to not face the truth. Sometimes, I miss that blissful ignorance, that zest for life, that eagerness to get out and change things. When you once thought you had answers. Where did all the hope go?
So New York, I want you, in hopes I’ll regain some of that strength, that zest for life back again. The place where my dreams came true, my mindset was so beautiful. But it hadn’t happened yet. The facing of the trauma, the problems, the unhealthy and maybe even toxic systems in place, dynamics of relationships. It was all there, waiting for me to discover it. And now, it’s gone. My youth – gone. Innocence – lost. That wide-eyed ambition – faded into the background, asking to be toyed with
But not wanting to be touched
The Breakup Diaries
Heartbreak –
Why do people love if the risk is so much pain?
Why do people lie?
The saddest part about losing someone, is knowing one day you’ll become strangers again.
Sitting At The Cafe Alone
It breaks my heart
You break my heart
You broke my heart
I took a chance on the ‘nice guy’
But there’s a problem
You’re too ‘nice’
it’s an act
You prioritize above all else
Above boundaries, above respect, above your instinct
You knew it was inappropriate. You didn’t need me to tell you that.
It’s sickening
It disgusting
I hate that I ever fell for you
When I saw clear as day
From the beginning
Just what was happening
Who you are
I was fooled
But I’m the one who fooled myself.
So I’ll sit on this patio
Outside
By myself
In the fresh spring air
Collect myself
Convince myself that I’m okay
and can do it
Touch the sweetness of life
I wanted to build a life with you
Buy a farm
Have some goats, chickens, you and I, out on the land
alone & in love
Today, I stopped by my old house. It was occupied by someone else
Someone I’ve never met, but they welcomed me in, as if it were my own.
I said hello, but froze. Something in me, feet – weightless, my chest – filled with pressure. my breathing – shallow.
Too preoccupied with if I was being kind enough, sweet enough, gentle enough, friendly, I missed the part that felt sad, nostalgic.
This longing in my heart – grief, sorrow, loss
Where did it come from?
How I regret not checking in during these precious moments.
Oh, how I always write about sorrow & longing.
It humors me. While at the same time, offering solace, warmth. a certain kind of comfort.
The fact this is a sadness, I cannot name
breaks me, baffles me & confuses me all the same.